April Fools’ Day

I can only remember one April Fools’ Day growing up.  I was probably about four and my sister and I were at my grandma and grandpa’s house.  My grandpa took a notoriously long time in the bathroom, and since there was only one bathroom in the house, he always asked everyone if they needed to go before he occupied it.

On this particular April Fools’ Day after he retired to the bathroom someone, not sure if it was my sister or my grandma, convinced me to play an April Fools’ Day joke on my grandpa.

So, the three of us huddled around the bathroom door while I knocked and pleaded with my grandpa to hurry up because I had to go so so bad.  Sure enough, he opened the door as quickly as he could to let me in only to hear the three of us shout, “April Fools!”

Last night during dinner, Jack asked us all to name our favorite cereal.  Not favorite cereal ever, just favorite out of the ones we had in the cupboard.  He listened with interest to our answers and then said as nonchalantly as possible “Oh, I was just wondering.”

Then, when Jared was busy and Jack was supposed to be in bed, Jack went downstairs to arrange a little April Fools’ joke he read about in a magazine (wow, the wide world available to the literate).  This morning Jared went down to have breakfast, pulled out the Raisin Bran Crunch and poured Frosted Mini Wheats into his bowl.  Jack had switched the bags of cereal inside the boxes.  He was so proud of himself.

Jared pulled a prank of his own at work, he got half the office involved in convincing his boss he had quit.  Dangerous, you say?  Well, that is the thing about where he works.  You really can do stuff like that and everyone thinks it is hilarious, even the guy at the butt of the joke.

I too read magazines, and I found and entire April Fools’ dinner I wanted to try.  Here it is:

The “meatloaf” is actually coco krispies and marshmallows, the “peas” are green skittles (I was surprised how few green were in each package), and the “mashed potatoes” were scoops of ice cream with caramel “gravy.”

The “cupcake” is the actual meatloaf with mashed potato “frosting.”

Here is the initial reaction:

But, once they actually identified the food, they loved it.  Since they don’t read my blog, I can tell you this, next year I am looking forward to stir fry.

Let There Be Cheese

We stretched forth our hands, and the curd parted from the whey.

And we beheld the cheese and saw that it was good.

And after three hours, we rested.

Cheese is the next frontier.

Fresh bread? Yup.

Canned fruits and weggies? No problem.

Garden? Problem.

Homemade pies? Easy as . . . .

Dried fruit? Piece of cake.

Two year supply of food storage? Not really.

But CHEESE? Yea! We have made CHEESE! We have made mozzarella!

And mozzarella is only the beginning. Ricotta is next. Marscapone, fromage blanc, Neufchatel, queso fresco and cottage cheese will not escape our kitchen.

And those are just the easy-to-make soft cheeses. Hopefully we'll be brave enough to make the hard cheeses someday.

*******

Of course, you say, three hours doesn't sound "easy-to-make." Granted, it took a bit longer than we expected. This was primarily due to the pasteurization process which took two of the three hours.

Wanting to make the best cheese possible, we went straight for the raw cow's milk (not a cooked cow's milk, mind you), purchased from the Real Food Market in Orem. $6 a gallon. Significantly more expensive than gas. But straight from the udder. Non-pasteurized and non-homogenized.

As far as good cheese goes, only the latter is very important. Well, some purists would argue that pasteurization isn't necessary, but we aren't too fond of unnecessary pathogens.

Consequently, we pasteurized it ourselves at 145 degrees for 30 minutes. It only took an hour to slowly get it to 145 degrees, but I digress.

But then the no-longer-raw milk needed to be immediately cooled to 40 degrees in a sink full of ice water.

Mr. Pasteur would be proud.

Once cooled it was ready to reheat. (This is where in the future we will use traditional milk, though it won't yield nearly as much cheese, being homogenized.)

Add some citric acid and rennet (the enzymes derived from any mammalian stomach) in order to start the coagulation and thereby creating curds and whey.

Aside: Not to be questioning Miss Muffet's food choices, but at least from our experience, we would never purposefully choose to sit - even on a tuffet - and eat curds and whey. Then again, we do like cottage cheese - with peaches.

After 5 minutes from adding the rennet, the curds can be pulled away from the side of the pot. Time to cut the cheese and cook some more.

Stir a bit more and viola! Curd turds. We're almost there.

What? Don't recognize it yet?

Drain the whey.

Heat yet some more, then stretch.

And stretch.

Lastly, form into three balls of various shapes (our own change to the recipe) and dip in more ice water to cool.

There. You now know everything there is to know about making mozzarella.

Of course, if you would like some further instruction, feel free to watch the following Sesame Street video, circa 1975.

Boy, does that guy need a hairnet.

*******

As a reward consequence of your making it all the way to the end of this post, we would like to invite you to a future shindig.

True to our elitist ways, and because we love cheese so much, we're going to have a cheese party. Two weeks from tomorrow, in fact. That would be Saturday November 8th at 11 o'clock. Mark your calendar and bring the kids.

If you are traveling from out of town (our Google tracking software tells us there are readers all over the country, not to mention a few foreigners), you will need to RSVP the guest bedroom.

Better yet, let us know if you are coming at all.

BYOC and we'll provide the crackers and some snacks. Maybe we'll make some cheese.

Bring an exciting cheese and try some others as well.

Fare Thee Well, Frosted Circus Animal Cookie

Let's review this last week:

1. The stock market has lost about 20% of its value over the past seven days. (A "crash" is defined as losing 20% or more in a single day or over a few days.)

2. The bail out bill has been signed.

3. The government is actually contemplating investing in banks (which is frankly better than buying their bad assets).

10/3/08 - 10/9/08

With all the doom and gloom, the man on the street still isn't sure how this will affect him. Don't worry. It will. Give it some time. (Please excuse my un-gender neutral pronouns.)

Wait a second. After further developments, perhaps the hurting starts now:

4. Mother's Cookies, the makers of the Frosted Circus Animal Crackers (just to name one flavor), is bankrupt.

The reason? I'm sure poor money management had a bit to do with it. But a large part of it was the increased cost of raw materials combined with the "credit freeze" / collapse of the "Commercial Paper Market."

Many, many LARGE companies rely on the Commercial Paper Market to fund their day to day operations.

As a typical company doesn't have the same amount of money coming IN to it everyday, it will not have enough to cover its expenses. So Company XYZ takes out, say, a 3 day loan for $1,000,000 (because it knows in 3 days it will have a big check coming in), which it will pay back for $1,010,000.

Who is lending this money? The big banks.

Problem is, however, that the big banks aren't lending because

a . They are scared silly. Many banks have already lost money lending in the paper market, making everyone else run for cover.

b. They are busy shoring up their capital - so as not to fail. (A common malady these days.)

c. It doesn't help that there are silent bank runs going on right now (depositors taking their money out). That makes it even harder for the bank to save money.

How unusual is this? Very - it's really never happened before. The Commercial Paper Market used to be considered the most liquid market ever. That's why the government has started to lend directly to businesses as a de facto Commercial Paper Market.

The current problem is that nobody is lending to nobody (yes, double negatives aren't no good).

If this continues, business - like Mother's Cookies - will start dying from the inability to borrow. Expenses grow higher and higher. Next stop: Bankruptcy.

This is how it affects the man on the street.

And now we have no more Frosted Circus Animal Crackers.

Or Taffy Sandwich Cookies

Or Iced Oatmeal Cookies

Or Archway Iced Molasses Cookies (also made by Mother's)

Or Archway Fruit Filled Apple Oatmeal Cookies

Have I missed any other important flavors?

Haagen-Dazs: Round VII

As you may have noticed by now, our ice cream tastes can border on the exotic. We are admittedly biased against the unimaginative and spiritless.

Of the eighteen flavors tested, only one has received a unanimous "5" rating: Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle. It is "daring" incarnate - or at least frozen.

I am not saying that this week we have another unanimous 5. That we do not have. But it came awfully close.

First the honorable mention.

Chocolate Peanut Butter

Presentation: Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter swathes.

Flavor Intensity: Chocolate is nothing special, bordering on the tame. (We know HD can make some awesome chocolate.) It is very light and could be richer. Peanut butter is the dominant flavor. In other iterations, some peanut butters can be dry (natural peanut butter) or too rich (Baskin & Robbins PB) or too sweet (Reeses). This is just right: peanut butter for the baby bear. By the way, it is not peanut butter ice cream, but actual peanut butter dollops.

Texture: Peanut butter is solid and marginally grainy. As it is frozen, it is very hard and substantial - not a normal texture in ice cream.

Sweetness: Peanut butter is sweeter than Jiffy (what kind of name is that for a peanut butter?). If it weren't sweeter, then it would be gross.

Scraping the Bottom: 60 - 80%. We likely won't buy it again, even though the peanut butter was fantastic.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: 3's all around.

Fleur de Sel Caramel

Presentation: Caramel flavored ice cream with a caramel ribbon and chunks of caramel filled chocolate squares (think Caramello).

Flavor Intensity: If you are one to dip french fries in your frosty, then this ice cream is for you. The name is translated as Flower of Salt Caramel. It is one of the most expensive salts in the world and collected mainly off the coast of Brittany, France. And, lucky you, it is in this ice cream.

And we are mighty impressed.

Remember that salt region of your tongue we spoke about in our Umami post? This unique ice cream holds quite a party in your mouth. Flavors ranging from rich toffee-like caramel and the smooth, gourmet chocolate candy to the salty accent make this a whole mouth experience. The chocolate and caramel alone are nothing special. But the coup de grace is the salt. Together it is brilliant.

Texture: Chocolate pieces are not too hard and quickly melt in your mouth.

Sweetness: Here is where we must deduct some points. It can be a bit too sweet overall. It is its only downside.

Scraping the Bottom: 100%

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan, 4.75. Jared, 4.75. Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle is the standard by which a 5 is measured. Unfortunately, as gutsy as this flavor is, it is simply too sweet. But don't let that deter you from quickly trying it.

Imitation (ice cream) is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Unless, of course, you are being called names in the process.

OK - maybe not names, per se. And maybe we have already called ourselves the same thing. But to hear it coming from another - on her blog - is . . .  flattering. No such thing as bad PR, right?

Yes, we take pride in our ice cream ELITISM.

Our goal is to elevate the ice cream eating masses by taking the fear out of that first premium ice cream purchase, to assuage the guilt brought on by spending considerably more per ounce than you would normally think prudent, to boldly proclaim (yes, I split an infinitive) that some ice cream is better than others.

We seek to lift people up from the shackles of the traditions of their childhood eating habits, creating a new spirit of gastromic adventurism. Once liberated, a confidence to experiment and try different foods may take root. And you with thank us forever.

Or maybe we are completely off base here, as Ashley believes we are.

If I infer her post correctly, our goals are too lofty and too exclusive. We don't fully appreciate the cost associated with this journey, and our attempts at altruism are being construed as condescension. We have forgotten, quoth she, the regular folk and the regular ice cream. By denigrating their dessert, we have denigrated them.

Ashley has started her own crusade: to counter all of our malicious claims of "better" and "progress." She has taken the role of comforter to the ice cream afflicted.

Yes, she is reviewing all of the Western Family (generic) ice cream flavors.

To show that we are Fair and Balanced here at SouthardExposure, we will be spotlighting her reviews. We report, you decide.

We will include a few paragraphs and a link to her blog for the full reviews (which site is, fortunately, not nearly as pink as it once was).

Elitist

(. . .)

Several months ago, (the Southards) embarked on a journey to try every single flavor of Haagan-Dazs ice cream. Ambitious goal and I applaude the effort. However, on a recent trip to Kohlers to try out the latest recommendation, I was forced to reevaluate my decision. I had $5 cash in my pocket. I could either buy one small pint of Haagan-Dazs Brazilian Acai Berry Sorbet (Southard Editorial Note: only rated 3 out of 5) or two half gallons of Western Family.

Having recently enrolled in microeconomics, I weighed the marginal costs and marginal benefits. Western Family won.

As I drove home, I was thinking about Jared's blog. Although highly entertaining and informative, it is not really applicable to the median person/family. Most families would choose two half gallons of ice cream over one pint of similar product. So for the rest of us, I have taken it upon myself to review all the Western Family ice cream flavors.

(. . .)

Click here for Ashley's full review of Western Family Mud Pie and Mint Chocolate Chip.

Haagen-Dazs: Round VI

Today's post was to feature three flavors, but I appear to have misplaced one of the reviews. I believe we wrote the review of the Caramelized Pear and Toasted Pecan ice cream on the back of an envelope. And since semi-annual desk cleanings can be indiscriminate, I think the envelope went the way of that really nice guy in the Waste Management truck. (According to their website, he took it to a green hill with waterfalls and PEARS!)

Of course, it's all moot; it appears Haagen-Dazs discontinued the flavor. Some time ago, apparently.

We've actually had the flavor in our freezer for +/- 3 months (just scrape off the hard crystaly top layer and it's as good as almost fresh). Only last week did we get around to a formal rating event (we pull out the saltines and multiple spoons) - but even that was too late.

In memoriam of Caramelized Pear and Toasted Pecan, we offer these words:

It tasted more like banana than pear.

Now, on to the reviews I could find.

Vanilla Honey & Granola (Frozen Yogurt)

Presentation: Tons of granola and a honey ribbon throughout.

Flavor Intensity: Frozen yogurt is not ice cream. Never has been, never will be. Frozen yogurt eaters purposefully forget this fact in order to enjoy the inferior substitute more than might be normally possible. That being said, when you add enough GOODNESS to frozen yogurt - such as honey and granola - you almost forget what you are eating. Almost. The honey ribbon is happily the same as previously lauded honey infused flavors. The granola is flavorful and crunchy. Needless to say, eat it for the honey and granola - that's why we did.

Texture: We are amazed at how HD can keep some things crunchy. Shouldn't granola turn to oatmeal when left in ice cream? Not here. The honey ribbon has that crystallized texture reminiscent of the forgotten bear shaped bottle in the back of the pantry.

Sweetness: A very mild combination.

Scraping the Bottom: 80 - 100% chance of finishing the container. Next time, we will buy regular HD vanilla ice cream and add the granola and honey ourselves.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: We believe that a different scale must be applied for frozen yogurt. On a frozen yogurt scale, we both give it a 4. On an ice cream equivalent scale, we both give it a 3.

Vanilla Bean

Presentation: Wow. We've never seen so many vanilla bean flecks before. We're talking parts per thousand instead of parts per million.

Flavor Intensity: All vanilla is not created equal. Even the FDA says what can be call real vanilla vs. imitation vanilla vs. vanillin flavoring. Real vs imitation has to do with ratios of vanilla beans per gallon and overall alcohol content. As for vanillin (the most common generic ice cream additive), it is generally made from either wood-pulp byproducts or a coal-tar derivative.

Can a vanilla be rich? Can it have a "bite"? We think so, because we've found it. And we also think that comparing HD Vanilla Bean with HD Vanilla is like comparing apples to oranges. They are two entirely different flavors. Vanilla is too bland of a word to describe this ice cream. Even the bean flecks offer spicy flavor accents to an already rich base. We loved it.

Texture: Bean flecks are chewy.

Sweetness: Nothing to complain about.

Scraping the Bottom: 100% Don't reach for this flavor when you want to smother something with chocolate, caramel and a maraschino cherry.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan, 4.5. Jared, 4. No 5's here because it is just vanilla. It is no Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle.

Haagen-Dazs: Round V

When presented with a choice of variously appealing foods - say okra and a New York Strip steak - I'll always eat the okra first. I find okra mildly disgusting (though I've got a very tough gag reflex), but I much prefer not ending a meal on a bad note. It's the "Eat-The-Sandwich-Bread-Crust First" Theory.

Why? Just to get the awful part out of the way and enjoy the balance. I'm confident this is a universal theory. I'm confident all my theories are universal - especially if Diahan doesn't share them. She's always the exception. Not me.

But there's the rub. Our Haagen-Dazs extravaganza has not followed the ubiquitous "Bread Crust" theory. In fact, we suspect the opposite has happened. Considering many of the flavors remaining, we fear we have left the worst for last.

The normal, run of the mill, gourmet yet blasé (hey, that rhymes) flavors remain - most of which are available in abundantly cheaper iterations: the fruits and the staples - i.e. the strawberries and the butter pecans of the ice cream world.

Hopefully we are wrong.

Only we will tell.

Vanilla Swiss Almond

Presentation: Vanilla ice cream with, at first glance, too few chocolate covered almonds. Don't worry, however. They're all at the bottom (wallowing in the self knowledge that they're gross).

Flavor Intensity: After a bit of research, we noted that the vanilla is the same used in the Haagen-Dazs chocolate covered bars. This research involved eating the chocolate bars, too. It is pure, unadulterated vanilla. Diahan loves it. She wants to marry it. I find it boring. The problem here is the chocolate covering the almonds. Gone is the rich, cocoa infused chocolates of yester-pint. The imposter is a chalky knock off reminiscent of semi-sweet baking chips. More like semi-bad. We spit them back out.

Texture: Vanilla is reliable, if not predictable. Chocolate is dry and chalky. Almonds are crisp and fresh.

Sweetness: The vanilla is the better for the milk and cream. Very mild and not too sweet.

Scraping the Bottom: 40 - 60%. We won't buy this again, even though we both love chocolate covered almonds.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan. 2.5. Jared, 2

Amazon Valley Chocolate (Reserve Flavor)

Presentation: Dark, brown chocolate.

Flavor Intensity: Speaking of cocoa infusion (see above tongue lashing), never have we experienced - in frozen form - a chocolate so decadent. The label we kept coming back to was "truffle." If you like chocolate truffles, more precisely the innards of a chocolate truffle, then this is for you. Smooth cocoa. Rich, but not of the dark chocolate variety. This is a very surprising find.

Texture: Creamy and smooth. Not grainy or bitter.

Sweetness: Certainly not to be called sweet. Very potent brew.

Scraping the Bottom: 100%. This is John and Kira's quality chocolate (Consumer Reports number one rated chocolatier in the country - and we agree).

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan, 4.5. Jared, 4.5. No full "5" as it is still just chocolate.

Pineapple Coconut

Presentation: Cream colored ice cream with small pieces of pineapple and coconut scattered about.

Flavor Intensity: Have we ever mentioned we like it when alcohol is added to ice cream? Ever so much more when it is Rum. Don't let the name of this flavor fool you. It is really Piña Colada, and it is scrum-dilly-dilly-umptious. We strongly believe the secret ingredient (next to the not-so-secret RUM) is coconut milk; it adds a creamy, milky base which is perfectly accented by the slight pineapple flavor. The floating pineapple chunks are naturally sweet, if a little weak themselves.

Texture: The shredded coconut is hardly noticeable (for the coconut averse). Pineapple is firm and small.

Sweetness: Dairy, coconut and Rum provide layers of warm flavor. Not as sweet as the quantity of pineapple might lead you to believe.

Scraping the Bottom: 100%

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan. 4.5. Jared, 4

Mango

Presentation: Yellow ice cream with ginormous chunks of mango.

Flavor Intensity: The mango flavor is usually very difficult for confectioners to get right - usually hollow and overly sweet. Haagen-Dazs clearly needed to boost the mango flavor (which they did very well) given the addition of orange and lemon juice concentrate. The result is an amazingly natural flavor. The problem is . . . well, it's still nothing special. Mango is an exotic flavor - but we find it too ordinary. The chunks o' mango are distracting and quite bland, reinforcing how difficult it is to get even the real fruit to taste like a fresh mango should. Or perhaps we have no idea what a mango should taste like and are taken by the idea of the mango?

Texture: Frozen mango does no favors to flavor.

Sweetness: Far too sweet.

Scraping the Bottom: 0 - 20%. The kids will love it, though.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan, 2. Jared, 2

Haagen-Dazs: Round 4 for 4

Diahan has enjoyed this feature so much that she went ahead and pushed her luck with Haagen-Dazs. She felt it only right to write to them, telling them about our little experiment.

In return, we have been assigned a case number and coupons are on their way. They were particularly grateful for our "nice compliments" (maybe they didn't really read our blog- as the Rum Raisin post was anything but nice).

With coupons on the way, we'd better make room in the freezer. Here's round 4 for 4:

Hawaiian Lehua Honey and Sweet Cream (Reserve Flavor)

Presentation: Yellow ice cream with honey ribbon

Flavor Intensity: The easiest way to describe this is perhaps in comparison with the other Vanilla Honey Bee (VHB). Whereas VHB was light and sweet, Hawaiian Lehua Honey and Sweet Cream (HLH&SC) offers a richer and darker honey experience. The manufacturer says Lehua honey is rare and has naturally "flowery" overtones. This is true as it tastes as honeysuckle smells. VHB consisted of honey flavored ice cream, but HLH&SC actually keeps the honey in the ribbon. The ice cream portion is practically pure cream - and there is nothing light about it. The concentrated, deep dairy flavor might be a bit too much were it not for the honey ribbon.

Texture: Ice cream is thick and heavy - just like cream. You half expect a filmy aftertaste, but happily it never arrives. The honey ribbon is occasionally grainy - just like real honey gets when it gets old. Not that we think this is old - rather it works to a great effect.

Sweetness: Not very sweet. A very "whole milk" flavor.

Scraping the Bottom: 60 - 80% chance of finishing the container. Definitely not in one sitting.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan, 3. Jared, 3. We wouldn't buy it again. Very heavy. Prefer VHB for the honey flavor we like.

Rocky Road

Presentation: Looks like Rocky Road. Marshmallow is dying to get out, though.

Flavor Intensity: Chocolate is very rich - in a premium ice cream kind of way. Not grainy like cheap Rocky Road. Marshmallow is very high quality and very smooth. Nuts are fresh and crisp (though Diahan dislikes that they are not dipped in chocolate a la Breyers). Nothing new here except the quality. If you like Rocky Road, this should be a top contender.

Texture: Perfect.

Sweetness: Marshmallow is the clear feature here - unlike any other Rocky Road ice cream.

Scraping the Bottom?: 80 - 100% chance of finishing the container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan started at 5 but changed to a 4. She feels Rocky Road is too common to merit a 5. Jared, 4.

Caramel Cone

Presentation: Not quite caramel swirls - more like smudges. Plenty of chocolate covered cone pieces (Diahan suggests perhaps too much). Mocha colored ice cream.

Flavor Intensity: The cone pieces are covered in a darker, but not dark chocolate. One can almost identify a burnt toffee flavor (YUM). Or better yet, it tastes like SeaFoam or Violet Crumble. Diahan wants more ice cream and less pieces, though I disagree. The caramel ice cream is well balanced.

Texture: Cone pieces get chewy - like a real chocolate covered waffle cone can get.

Sweetness: Ice cream is definitely on the sweet side, but we debate about wether or not it would be better if it were less sweet. Chocolate covered cone pieces bring a rich balance.

Scraping the Bottom?: 80 - 100% chance of finishing the container. Good for once every few months.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan, 3. Jared, 3.5

Guest Review from the Snow family:

caramel cone...our favorite. rich vanilla with broken chunks of waffle cone dipped in dark chocolate and swirled with caramel. 5's all around! It was a go to comfort food at the end of the day yesterday...kids crying,whining all day...I ate the whole thing. oops.

Brazilian Acai Berry Sorbet (Reserve Flavor)

Acai berry appears to be the "it" flavor these days. At least Haggen Dazs isn't playing up any "health benefits."

Presentation: Looks like sorbet - and it is. A deep purple color (Smoke on the Water).

Flavor Intensity: The berry flavor itself is not easily recognizable - which we found amusing. The container says that other berries were included - of which we found the blueberry the strongest. All in all, it is a potent, earthy combination. And for those who care - it has nearly two thirds less calories than the caramel cone flavor.

Texture: Has the consistency of a frozen smoothie. Better yet, it's like a health shake. Grainy. Whatever an acai berry is, it must have quite a few seeds.

Sweetness: Very sweet, but not saccharine. Seeing as sugar and corn syrup are the third and fourth ingredients, it can't be as naturally sweet as you would think.

Scraping the Bottom?: 40 - 60%

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan 3, Jared 3

Umami

Jack and Henry have a favorite book titled What Happens to Your Food which details - wait for it - what happens to your food (don't worry - everything comes out well in the end).

Among all the details of small and large intestines, there is a section on the four basic tastes: bitter, sweet, salty and sour.

Do you remember from your formative years seeing the picture of a tongue showing the locations of those taste buds? Or better yet, did you do science class experiments with variously flavor dipped Q-tips, trying to find those taste areas? Fond memories.

Now, what would you say if I told you that we were shortchanged a fifth taste?

You know this taste quite well. It is the taste that makes Campbell's soup, Kraft Mac and Cheese, Doritos and McDonald's sausage patties SO GOOD.

It's called umami (oo-ma-me) - the Japanese word for "deliciousness." It was so named in 1908 by the Japanese scientist who isolated the amino acid in foods rich with glutamates. We are familiar with it by its more vulgar chemical appellation: monosodium glutamate (MSG). Now you know why I waited until the sixth paragraph to tell what this is really all about.

Keep in mind that this is a naturally occurring flavor found in foods such as parmesan cheese, anchovies, Worcestershire sauce, Thai fish sauce, mushrooms and seaweed - to name a few.

Adjectives used to describe umami include savory, meaty, hearty and satisfying. It is part standalone flavor and part flavor enhancer. Above all, it is certainly distinctive.

Surely, says the ongoing narrative in your head, this must be some kind of PR campaign by evil MSG companies and the beady eyed Colonel Sanders:

 

While maybe not along the lines of recently being shortchanged a 10th planet, there was similarly much controversy regarding the taste equivalent of Pluto. Much controversy until scientists identified receptors on the tongue with no purpose other than to recognize the presence of glutamate - thus legitimizing the fifth taste.

Having received street cred from the science community (not to mention an effective PR campaign), umami cuisine is booming. Diahan and I recently prepared an amazing dish of balsamic-marinated chicken stuffed with green olives - it was labeled as an umami bomb. And it was wonderful (recipe available upon request).

Hopefully, we can all look at MSG in a new light. Are you now hungry for Doritos?

Here is a link to UmamiInfo.com.

Haagen-Dazs: Round 3

With Diahan back in town, we are ready to continue our Movement for Informed Ice Cream Eaters (MIICE).

This week we have experienced the agony and the ecstasy; we have weathered ice cream sorrow in order to better experience its joy.

If you were worried that we might just give a 3 or 4 rating to just about every flavor (after all, it is premium ice cream), well, how about a little range and perspective?

This much needed perspective is courtesy of a true epicurean delight - and its antithesis. It is a red letter day, indeed.

(Of course, should you disagree with any of our pronouncements, please detail your findings in the comments section - or your own blog - in double spaced, compare and contrast structure. Please cite your sources.)

With the authority vested in us by the power of Google (owner of Blogspot), we declare the following gastronomic benchmarks:

Rum Raisin

Presentation: Standard yellow colored ice cream with ABUNDANT raisins. It is very difficult to avoid the raisins.

Flavor Intensity: The ice cream has an immediate alcohol and rum flavor - which we like. Though, as quickly as the liqueur flavor arrives, it gives way to a strong rum fullness - finishing with a creamy "night cap." This flavor, however, is certainly not that of the Butter Rum Life Savers. Rather, it has a similar alcohol "burn" to that of the Bailey's Irish Cream. Spoiling it all are the unavoidable rum soaked raisins. Frankly, they taste like Windex. (And who hasn't tasted Windex?) All is lost.

Sweetness: Not too sweet. Has a definite "bite" to it.

Texture: Regular ice cream consistency with heinous, soggy raisins.

Scraping the Bottom: 0 - 20% chance of finishing the container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Without raisins: Diahan 3, Jared 3. As is, with raisins: Diahan 0, Jared 0

Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle (Reserve Flavor)

Presentation: French vanilla type coloring with brown toasted coconut pieces and sesame brittle evenly scattered about. Every bite is loaded.

Flavor Intensity: What a complex treat! It is to be nibbled, savored and unabashedly inhaled. Never has an ice cream flavor presented so many levels of unique and complementary flavors. (Is that too complimentary?) Diahan says "fireworks." A few more adjectives: sweet, nutty and warm. The coconut is creamy (picture a toasted piña colada) and sesame is pervasive. Topping it off is the warmth of ginger infused throughout - refreshing, but not sinus clearing. We counted at least 5 distinct flavors - an amazing feat. A masterpiece.

Sweetness: Deep savory flavoring. Umami (more on that in a future post).

Texture: Coconut chewiness, candy brittle crunchiness and sesame seeds.

Scraping the Bottom: 100% chance of finishing the container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan 5, Jared 5

Haagen-Dazs - Round 2

As much I have been tempted to continue the taste testing without Diahan, I must show a modicum of restraint. Doing so would only trigger another volley of condescending "suggestions."

Having covered my keester with the above proviso, it is worth noting that the flavors discussed here were surveyed prior to Diahan's most recent pilgrimage northward.

No wives were offended in the creation of this post

. . . yet. Who knows how I might still push the blogging envelope?

Maybe this will do it.

How about a photo of our freezer, circa two weeks ago? (Click on it, enlarge it and marvel.) I can say that some of the ice cream was left over from a family party (which we have since cleaned out); but not much. The rest is ours.

The "inferior" ice cream is used only for kids, shakes and Orange Julii (plural of Orange Julius).

Come on over some time and we'll share our not-so-secret Orange Julii recipe.

Cinnamon Dulce de Leche

Presentation: Messy. Looks like caramel to ice cream ratio is lopsided - too much caramel.

Flavor Intensity: Overpowering cinnamon taste (not the hot cinnamon flavor, though). If you like cinnamon and caramel, you will love this as that's all it tastes like. You should know beforehand if you REALLY like those flavors.

Sweetness: Jared - caramel is too sweet. Diahan - caramel is only good thing about it.

Texture: Like eating those nasty cooking caramel squares.

Scraping the Bottom?: 0 - 20% chance of finishing the container. We actually gave the rest to the kids. They loved it.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan 1, Jared 1

Pomegranate Chip (Reserve Flavor)

Presentation: Diahan thinks it looks pretty. Well proportioned dark chocolate chips spread out.

Flavor Intensity: While the dark chocolate is a good contrast choice, it unfortunately is too strong for the unique pomegranate flavor. Even if you don't like pomegranates, you would like this flavor. It's too bad it is too subtle, however. We found ourselves eating more (manufacturer's original intent?) just to get a better grasp on the pomegranate flavor - which quickly fades. The aftertaste remains with the strong dark chocolate.

Sweetness: Tart.

Texture: Very similar sorbet texture except for a slight graininess.

Scraping the Bottom?: 60 - 80% chance of finishing the container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan 3, Jared 4

41 Flavors - A Haagen-Dazs Odyssey

We are convinced that freezer sections in Utah are larger than the national average. Correspondingly, this means there would be a higher than average consumption of frozen foods found therein. Of this, we also have no doubt.

The majority of Utahns don't drink, smoke or unnecessarily consort with the opposite sex. In lieu thereof, Utahns eat ice cream and watch PG-13 movies (while on group dates). And then eat more ice cream.

For some, it is easy to find contentment in the icy equivalent to the blue light special (flavor notwithstanding). For others, variety be damned! It is vanilla or bust! For all of these, we hope to convince you that there is something more out there.

Fast food restaurants have flourished largely due to the consumer demand for consistency at the expense of taste and variety. Anywhere along the fruited plain, you can find a familiar burger. Even the architecture is the same. It is predictable; it is dependable. It may even be yummy.

Occasionally, however, a friend comes along and tells of a certain hole-in-the-wall. The risk of the unknown was borne by another.

Similarly, we present our comprehensive survey of all things Haagen-Dazs: 41 flavors to be tasted and rated. Our goal is to imbue each reader with the confidence needed to look premium ice cream in the eye . . . or, uh, aisle . . . and say, "I know you."

Our first three contestants are as follows:

Sticky Toffee Pudding

Presentation: Naively expecting "pudding" like appearance. Instead, chunks of cake and toffee ribbon spread throughout. Also expecting more toffee.

Flavor Intensity: Cinnamon overtone. Tastes like Coffee Cake.

Sweetness: Toffee on the sweet side, though vanilla acts as good counterbalance.

Texture: Chewy pieces of cake. No shortage of cake. Cake does have "bread pudding" quality to it.

Scraping the Bottom?: 80 - 100% chance of finishing container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan 3, Jared 3

Vanilla Honey Bee (limited edition)

Presentation: Plain, golden color.

Flavor Intensity: Slight vanilla intro followed by intense honey zing. Honey flavor is delicious and lasting. Pure. Very surprising.

Sweetness: Found way to present essence of honey without the overpowering sweetness. Vanilla is all the better for it.

Texture: Normal.

Scraping the Bottom?: 100% chance of finishing container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan 5, Jared 4

Bailey's Irish Cream

Presentation: Looks like cappuccino. Uniform. No swirls or ribbons.

Flavor Intensity: Strong liqueur flavor with queer aftertaste. Needs more cream and cocoa. Like having added one too many flavored creamers to hot chocolate.

Sweetness: A little too sweet. Not enough depth.

Texture: Normal.

Scraping the Bottom?: 60 - 80% chance of finishing container.

Overall Rating of 1 - 5: Diahan started at a 4 but switched to 3, Jared 2