Father Doesn’t Know Best

Like a moth to the flame, I can’t help but write about the forbidden.

Diahan and I never argue – really, never. Our secret (besides low expectations and very aggressive anger therapy) is a deep respect for each other and HIS many weaknesses.

But mostly, we just don’t talk about taboo subjects.

UNTIL NOW!

Actually, Diahan’s out of town, I’m bored out of my gourd and I haven’t blogged in many moons. Anything’s fair game.

I didn’t grow up with the Berenstain Bears (BB) on account that my parents didn’t read to me, and I am a boy. I you are a boy and grew up on BB, don’t read anything into my previous statement.

Diahan, on the other hand, not only was read BB by her parents, but also maintains a gi-normous collection of rare and vintage BB books.

This is not the type of collection that stays locked up in acid free baggies. Sadly, no. Instead, our boys are being raised on a steady stream of BB drivel. (And I do worry about the long term effects.)

Of  course, I refuse to participate in the methodical indoctrination of our children. When it is my turn to read bedtime stories, the boys know that Daddy won’t read BB.

Boys: Why won’t you read BB?

Me: Principle. I’ll explain it to you when you are older. Pick another book, please.

Boys: The principal told you not to?

My reasoning, ultimately, comes down to Papa Bear. He’s like the Archie Bunker or Homer Simpson of children’s books. I understand that Homer Simpson is the buffoonish caricature of the American Dad – and I love Homer Simpson – but the show is meant for adults as satire.

Papa Bear, on the other hand, continues the inept father figure parody – but to the wrong audience. And sometimes I doubt it’s a parody (see example below).

Kids, many of whom already lack a strong father figure in real life and especially in the media, are done a disservice by seeing Papa Bear as the intra-family antagonist and perennial holdout to change.

Considering the widespread emasculation of men in society, it is too bad that young boys and girls see another prominent father figure as virtually useless.

There is no doubting the many positive aspects to the BB books. Change is a constant theme in the BB books. See: BB and the Giddy Grandma (grandpa bear is actually the bad guy: same diff), BB and the New Girl in Town, BB and the Trouble with Commercials?!, and The Birds, the Bees and the BB. These are just a few of my favorites.

However, as the BB books attempt to recreate virtually every awkward life situation, Papa Bear is nearly always portrayed as the imbecilic, ignorant, half-witted, unreasonable, doltish simpleton. 

The most egregious example is The BBs’ New Neighbors.

Bear Country and the BB have new neighbors: Chinese . . . er . . . Pandas! While Mama and the kids are excited, Papa Bear won’t stand for Pandas next door. Especially Pandas who build a “spite fence.” No special honey for them! Fortunately for Papa Bear, a meet-and-greet is arranged and that Papa Panda is really a nice guy – for a Chi . . . Panda.

Add racist to the above list of less-than-desirable qualities.

I know we men are thick, but that is not what I want reinforced at bedtime. So my question is “Why Papa?”

Asides & Provisos

• Granted, the books were written as a response to the post-WWII, Ozzie and Harriet environment. Unfortunately in the authors’ quest for “realism,” what resulted was the marginalization of Papa Bear while continuing to narrowly define gender roles. 
• Another theory is that the books are inseparably tied to the authors’ personal and cultural experiences. I have read that the Berenstains said the books and the characters therein reflect their own personalities.
• So, that is to say, there might have been more truth to the Papa Bear persona then than today, if you belief that many of the traits exhibited by Papa Bear were more acceptable in generations past. I have certainly seen my fair share of cultural curmudgeonism seen in the generations.
• For every complaint about Papa Bear, there are historically more complaints about Mama Bear as the ever-wise, always home matriarch.
• I won’t go there.

I know. I know. It is just a book and I should chill out. It’s not worth arguing over . . . just blogging.

Making a Secret Hollow Book

I didn't want to buy a case for my iPod. And I am never likely going to read the selected poems of W.H. Auden again. I am less sentimental now than in college.

I know, I know. Just saying that makes you want to quote Auden's "Funeral" poem (English majors unite!). I'll save you the trouble by posting it here. Then can we get on with making a Secret Hollow Book?

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

First, you need a book, glue (I used Mod Podge - something Diahan gave me when I asked for Elmer's glue), a ruler, a Xacto knife or boxcutter, pencil, and brush to apply glue.

Select a page that you want to be the first one cut out, and save that page to be cut out at the end. (I'll explain later.) Even if you don't want to save any pages at the beginning of the book, you must set one aside for a later step.

Holding the remaining pages together, brush the edges with the glue solution - enough to soak in pretty well, but not too drippy.

Allow this to dry, but use a spacer so the first couple pages, and the front cover don't get stuck. I spaced mine with post-it notes, and put a bunch of books on top to hold it together.

When dry, open the book to the first glued page.

Draw out a border around the edge on all four sides.

Using a strait edge and knife, cut out along the inside of the line. Try to make the cut as vertical as possible.

Continue cutting down through the layers. I found that a box cutter was easier to keep straight. This part takes a long time.

The longer you spend on it, the smoother and straighter the inside edges of your book will be.

Next, brush the glue solution on the inside edges of the pages. Give it a bit to soak in. A little bit of drippiness is okay, as the glue dries clear. This is also a good time to apply a second coat to the outside of the pages with the excess glue.

Brush the rim of the book with a light coat of glue. This will affix it to that one page we saved earlier (and will cut through soon enough).

Remember that first page we saved? It’s now glued to the rest of the book. Lets all turn there now.

Cut through this first page with your knife to open it.

When it’s dry, you're done.

Captain Blood

Acting on Jared's recommendation, (which I do often in the realm of movies and books) I read Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini. Now, this, to me, sounded like the kind of book a man likes to read to relive his little boyness (yes, Jared apparently was a little boy once). A swashbuckling tale of escaped slaves sailing the Caribbean at a time when pirating was at its peak. To quote Bernard Cornwell, who wrote the forward to the tale:

To call a tale a swashbuckler is not to pay a compliment. The word was first recorded in the late sixteenth century and meant someone who made a great noise by beating a sword or spear against a shield.

Though nowadays a swashbuckler is a term for an adventure with a great deal of action, this did not really seem like my kind of book. I really can't enjoy a book when I can't picture what is going on, and I know so little about sailing that terms like aft and port and main mast and bow make me skip paragraphs, or possibly even chapters. Likewise, I am not a huge fan of reading about planning of battles, battle strategies, or really the battles themselves.

Because it was my sister-in-law who recommended the book to Jared and, sadly, that one quality this book does have which peaked my interest enough, it is a love story- and I am a sucker for love stories.

And, low and behold, I loved it. Fantastic dialog. Witty and so well written. Plus, the whole battle planning/execution parts weren't lengthy or too detailed, and the sailing jargon was kept to a minimum.

The movie was cheesy as all get out, entirely fitting for this book. I really enjoyed the performances, and it is always fun to see how they adapt a book to the big screen. The movie was produced in 1935- a classic age for this classic tale of good versus evil, of beautiful damsels and gallant gentleman. Though this trailer boasts a new color-dipped version, I would highly recommend the original black and white, as I think when you read the book, you read it in black and white- it is just that classic.

Trailer: Captain Blood

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